Pop Culture (Finally) Gets Serious About Female Friendship
Section I: The Meet Cute
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
— Carl Jung, Swiss Psychiatrist and Psychoanalyst
Intimate friendships among women take up a lot of cultural real estate in these days and times.
In a post-Squad Goals/Gayle-is-the-mother-I-never-had world, the bonds between women in committed platonic relationships with each other are front and center. As adult friendships are declining in America—partially due to a growing disinclination toward the institutions that built our ancestors' social lives—I can't seem to scroll through any of my half-a-dozen social feeds without being bombarded with cloyingly genuine messages about the importance of friends.
And, tbh, I'm here for it!
I've always had a deep regard and a true fascination with women friends, and similarly, the villages and sororities that women create outside of the male gaze. Maybe it was an 80s/90s childhood that spoon-fed me girl power in the form of “The Golden Girls” re-runs, Hilary Clinton on nightly news, Awesome Dawes-some and Spice Girls. Maybe it was the countless sleepovers watching those slumber party classics, Now and Then, fittingly, and The First Wives Club, for some strange reason.
Whatever the origins of this interest, my favorite pop culture artifacts are more concerned with our platonic bonds than romantic and I'm interested in how the messages around these relationships have changed over time—specifically over my lifetime, so the last 30-some-odd years.
As The Take summarized:
“For all their positive, empowering connotations today, over the years platonic female friendships have often been devalued or misrepresented in one of several ways.”
And while there have always been women who were friends on TV and in movies, there is an undeniable uptick in the content focused on big, transformative friendships and bonds that don't form in response to how the women are treated by men.
From “Broad City,” (Comedy Central, 2014-2019):
Man: I have a girlfriend.
Abbi: So do I! She's right here with the ugly hat on.
This is the type of friendship dynamic that really fascinates me because it more closely mirrors my own experiences cultivating close friendships.
From “Tuca & Bertie,” (Netflix, 2019; Adult Swim, 2021-2022):
Kayla: Are you in love with her or something?
Tuca: It's way deeper than that: She's my best friend!
I met one of my best friends the first week of my first summer in New York in 2006. We spent nearly all of our free time together for 12 swampy, sweaty weeks in the city and the night before we were scheduled to head back to our hometowns in middle America, we roamed the streets of the Upper West Side for hours, finding random diners, book stores or record shops to pop into, just trying to stall and extend the night before this magical time in our lives would end.
I remember how much we enjoyed the rare summer breeze and how when we saw a rack of cards with quotes on them, we decided to buy one for each other. The next morning, we exchanged the cards, in which we'd written our goodbyes. The card my best friend chose for me featured the Carl Jung quote at the beginning of this video, and every time I see it, I feel an eerie, mystical sense of Providence thinking about how lucky we were to meet that summer and how much we've shaped each other's lives and worldviews—how we were transformed, and how we both felt that change so acutely that night.
While our meeting was fated, if you ask me, the conditions that have allowed us to grow, nurture and sustain our friendship over the last 17 years were wholly in our control. What separates a big friendship among women—the kind that truly transforms both parties and is so popular among media made by millennial women—is those conditions; that work of intimacy, vulnerability, making space and time for the other person and the friendship.
The term big friendship was coined by two writers, Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman, in their book Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close. They describe coming up with the term, saying:
“We even lacked a name for the kind of friendship we have. Words like best friend or BFF don't capture the adult, emotional work we've put into this relationship. We now call it a Big Friendship because it's one of the most affirming and most complicated relationships that a human life can hold.”
Whether it's an emphatic Leslie Knope and her sweet, racially ambiguous Ann Perkins on “Parks and Recreation;” or it's Molly and Issa fighting—literally—to stay centered in each other's lives on “Insecure;” or it's recovering alcoholic Tuca and anxious assault survivor Bertie bearing witness to some of the most tragic moments in a woman's life on “Tuca & Bertie,” pop culture is finally taking female friendship seriously. Amen.
Section II: What's So Great About Friendship?
“We wanted to depict an authentic Black female friendship.”
— Issa Rae, Creator of “Insecure”
The reason why those three shows in particular really resonated with me in their depiction of friendships that are serious, messy, sometimes shady, but ultimately extremely loving and caring, is because they stand in stark contrast to another type of female relationship that is equally popular. You'll likely recognize it: It's catty and jealous and overly critical under the guise of honesty or tough love. It's poor Van and her stream of really fake, really superficial and low-key mean friends on “Atlanta.”
From “Atlanta” (FX, 2016-2022):
Christina: It's like you needed that identity. You never invited me to your parties.
Van: That's because, um, you always acted like you were better than us. So, it's like, weird to…it's weird to say. Do you know what I mean?
Christina: I didn't and I think you're going way too far.
Van: What? Like seriously? You literally just told me that I'm gonna be a baby mama and that's okay because “I chose Black.”
People and dynamics that didn't ring true to me as a Black woman who was around the same age as Van.
Or it's the way even the most famous and beloved girl gangs, from the “The Golden Girls” to “Sex and the City” to “Girlfriends,” were really shitty friends to each other, on a regular basis.
These people were not squad goals, always. They made bold, sentimental statements about the importance of their friendship, but usually in response to some sort of patriarchal rejection, e.g. Blanche on “The Golden Girls” starting menopause and fearing she's losing her sex appeal, before realizing this:
From “The Golden Girls” (NBC, 1985-1992):
Blanche: You know the best part of it is I think I'm over my menopausal depression. It was you girls. Yes! You just let me carry on and be crazy and you were right there through it all. You were caring and supportive and I want to thank you for it. I'm really lucky to have friends like you.
Or “Sex and the City”'s Carrie lamenting her single status when she's left alone on her 35th birthday, prompting Charlotte to famously utter:
From “Sex and the City” (HBO, 1998-2004):
Charlotte: Maybe we could be each other's soulmates, and we could let men be just these great, nice guys to have fun with.
Now, both of these quotes are some of my favorite moments from those shows. I love a romantic declaration of friendship as much as anyone, but they only feel empowering outside of the context of the shows. The careful viewer will side-eye these statements as flowery words that aren't consistently backed up with action during the show.
Shows with artificial friendships like that can actually feed into common Hollywood narratives about women friends. According to The Take:
“Women are often framed as frenemies. It's only in the last few decades that female friendship stories as a whole have become more complex and dynamic.”
This change is great because television can help us visualize the outcomes we desire in real life. On-screen friendships can show us how to have healthy conflict within these relationships, how to balance friendships with other priorities like work and romantic partners; and how to deal when these friendships undoubtedly shift and morph in shape over time.
We need this kind of virtual instruction because, in real life, friendships of all stripes are suffering. According to Big Think:
“We've seen a decline in lots of traditional institutions including the family, in areas like religion, in some cases the labor market. And so what that means is there's more of a need for people to have social relationships, connections, outside of those institutions—that's where friends are hugely important.
But during the same period, we've seen a real decline in the number of people who say they have a number of close friends.”
And healthy friendships, where the people involved feel safe enough to see and be seen; to share big feelings and witness big feelings, are really beneficial to humans. According to Big Think:
“It is clear that having friends is protective of your health in various ways. Being without friends…can make you sad, and being sad, it turns out, is also bad, in terms of your physical and emotional health.”
Section III: Friend Work
“Are we still friends?”
— Tyler the Creator
What I love about the friendships on “Parks and Rec,” “Insecure” and “Tuca & Bertie” is they show the work of friendship. Nothing worth having comes without intention, care and at least a little effort, but pop culture often makes friendships feel like they should be effortless all the time. These three shows treat the characters' friendships as the protagonist's central relationship, so we come to understand their friendships as products of the kind of "friend work" that Sow and Friedman reference in their book.
That work includes managing conflict in healthy ways and recognizing disagreement as a growth opportunity instead of a friendship death knell.
Sow and Friedman discuss this in their book, too:
“We're taught that if a friendship isn't working, it's perfectly acceptable to walk away, sometimes without even a conversation acknowledging it.”
Which is ridiculous because, as friendship expert and clinical psychologist Dr. Miriam Kirmayer explains in Big Friendship:
“Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, including a friendship, especially a close friendship.”
There are examples of how not to handle conflict in these shows, too, like Issa and Molly in season four of “Insecure.” The season famously begins with Issa saying that she and Molly have broken up. Over the course of the season, we travel back in time to discover the incidents, both big and small, that led to this, including a physical fight at Issa's community block party.
Although Issa and Molly decide to try to repair their broken relationship post-fight, it becomes really clear that Molly is not that interested.
From “Insecure” (HBO, 2016-2021):
Issa: I can't be the only one who wants to make this work, Molly.
Molly: I don't know maybe who you are now and who I am now just don't fit anymore.
This scene infuriated me because while Molly wasn't willing to put in any effort to repair her long-term friendship with Issa, she was simultaneously willing to do or become just about anything to keep her relatively new romantic relationship on track. The show did a good job of making the contrast clear when Molly and her boo break up.
From “Insecure” (HBO, 2016-2021):
Andrew: What if we're just not a good match?
Molly: But we can work at this, I want to work at this, whatever we gotta do, we gotta go to therapy, I'll be more open, I'll share more, I can be better.
Andrew: What are you fighting for right now?
It's easy to see in Molly's character the contrasts in how women are taught to show up in romantic relationships versus platonic ones and how much more value we (aided by society) put on the success of the former.
Section IV: The Balancing Act
"If your best friend is part of the deal, sign me up."
— Speckle, “Tuca & Bertie”
Because of their long runs, “Parks and Rec” and “Insecure” show us how friendships among women can morph over time. Both shows feature 30-something women who are initially unmarried and they both end with all four friends — Ann and Leslie on “Parks;” Issa and Molly on “Insecure” — in long-term, romantic partnerships with a few kids thrown in as well.
“Tuca & Bertie,” on the other hand, starts with this premise of a morphing friendship and follows it as the main characters navigate balancing their close relationship with the demands of family, partners and work.
The pilot episode is about the two friends lamenting the fact that Tuca has moved out of their shared apartment so that Bertie and her boyfriend Speckle, can live together.
The situation is ideal in some ways because Speckle has always accepted Tuca and Bertie as an inseparable unit, as evidenced by the couple's first date.
From “Tuca & Bertie” (Netflix, 2019; Adult Swim, 2021-2022):
Speckle: And you brought your friend…
Tuca: I’m her buffer!
Speckle: Oh, okay. So, Bertie…
Tuca: Her bodyguard!
Bertie: So, Speckle…
Tuca: Her chaperone, capiche?!
Speckle: Si, cierto!
The show also shows us the flip side of this dynamic in later seasons, though, when Tuca becomes less communicative with Bertie after falling for her nurse girlfriend Kara. We see Bertie struggle with the new boundaries of her relationship with her best friend as she tries to give her space.
From “Tuca & Bertie” (Netflix, 2019; Adult Swim, 2021-2022):
Bertie (sing-songy voice): Being alone is fun, so fun, I truly enjoy it.
Puzzle (sing-songy voice): You’re being needy!
Bertie: Shut, up, Puzzle!
And as Bertie notices how much Tuca is changing in her new relationship.
From “Tuca & Bertie” (Netflix, 2019; Adult Swim, 2021-2022):
Tuca: Bertie, what are you doing? I left Kara all alone out there.
Bertie: Listen, I’ve been trying really hard to give you space, but I don’t know if Kara is good for you.
Tuca: Kara is great for me. If anything she’s way too good for me.
Bertie: She’s de-Tuca-fying you! You’re barely recognizable! What’s happening?
Section 5: Where To?
“I don't know what I would do without all of my crew, yeah. I ain't makin' no room, yeah, I ain't makin' no new friends.”
— Beyoncé (The Carters), “Friends,” (Roc Nation/Parkwood Entertainment, 2018)
Beyond television, the BFF is gaining status in contemporary society. With famous, loving gal pals like Gayle and Oprah, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, and Poet Cleo Wade and Editor Elaine Welteroth providing giggly, girlboss-y inspiration for what female friendship can look like — and how it doesn't hurt your career to befriend other women on your climb to the top.
The way we talk about our friends is changing, too. The Carter's released a love song to their friends in 2018; HBO's “A Black Lady Sketch Show” inverted the "toxic" friend intervention by hilariously parodying a too-positive homegirl who actually needs to be a little more negative. A sketch like this wouldn't work if the audience doesn't understand their friend group to be supportive and caring.
I love this exchange, too, with designer Melody Ehsani and Style Like U:
Melody: It's made me feel lonely a lot, but not anymore. I feel like if you have one person that you really like love and trust completely, it's enough.
Style Like U: Are you referring to your husband?
Melody: No. My best friend.
The assumption that "your person" is your spouse doesn't always fit for women who are in Big Friendships, which might have something to do with the fact that some women are marrying later, spending more of their adult lives as single women who depend on platonic friends for emotional support and companionship.
Because of pop culture content like this, with modern women in serious, committed friendships, I feel so much more seen as a woman and validated in my choices.
In a time where so much of the underpinning of post-industrial society is unraveling and the rules of this society are constantly exposed to be even more patriarchal, gendered, and inequitable than we ever imagined, there is almost nothing that seems more important than cultivating, nurturing, and sustaining big friendships among women.
Sow and Friedman summed up this sentiment in their book, writing:
“A Big Friendship [...] offers the security of knowing that you won't have to go through life's inevitable challenges alone. There is tremendous value in having a witness to your singular life. We all want to be understood, and being understood over time is an incredible feeling.”
I write about pop culture and gender topics that interest me on this channel - if that sounds interesting, please subscribe and turn on notifications to see when I post more content. Also, talk to me in the comments! Who are your favorite fictional BFFs? Do you have celebrity squad goals? Have you read Big Friendship? What did you think?
Thanks so much for watching!